During that period I have found the man of my life, the one I want to wake up next to, and grow old with. That being said, it’s not fair to say that last two years were the worst time of my life. They certainly were not. They brought some of the most beautful moments and feelings in my life, and in that field it’s been the best time so far.
But somehow, life starts to weigh heavy on your back. You start to feel responsible for how your life will turn out and you don’t like that much responsability. Like, when did that happen? Just yesterday, your biggest concern was
what shoes to wear with
that outfit you planned for Saturday night will you pass that difficult exam
that gives you trouble. And that
terrifying feeling of responsability for your own life is just a beginning. Suddenly,
everyone expects something from you. You expect something from yourself,
and you don’t even know what that is. You’ve been so carefree your entire life,
that you never stopped to think about that. So you create an illusion that
everything will be fine if you just relax. But in the back of your mind, there’s
a heavy cloud of fear, helplesness and disorientation.
Take it from someone who’s been through that. I’ve been floating in some kind of bubble through all that because I was too scared to face reality. I wasn’t even half aware of what was happening to me. Or should I say, what I did to myself. It’s so easy to sink into denial. To make excusses. To look away. To lie to yourself. Until you no longer can. Repeating the same lame excuse for a hundredth time starts to taste so bitter. And then something kicks you in the butt. And it’s not the people who give you the sad look. Or those who, out of pity, say that everything will be fine. You get angry with yourself. You can’t believe you let yourself hit rock bottom.
That’s the hardest part. When you have to look yourself in the eyes and admit that the blame is on you, and you only. And then make peace with that, so you can start all over. There’s lot of work, but you finally see the light at the end of a tunnel. You roll up your sleeves and get to work, and it feels good because there’s hope. You never complain anymore, because you see the point in what you do.
Finally i feel that everything IS going to be allright. I’m at peace because i know I’m doing everything I can, and whatever comes up, I’ll be able to deal with it.
whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve